On the Threshold

The phrase "brand new" just stirs in me something exciting. I remember as a kid, the thought of brand new shoes, brand new school clothes...then growing up, the idea of a brand new car...brand new job...brand new anything...never-been-down-this-road-before excitement...thoughts laden with possibility and potential!

And here I sit again...on the threshold of a brand new year, anticipating and nurturing an expectation that has been a long time coming. I am ready for "brand new" again. I need a refreshing...a return to some important ingredients that comprise who I am and yet a revamping of others that have paled and become rather stale. After reflecting some lastnight, and journaling (as part of an annual ritual for my personal New Year's Eve celebration), I am feeling a familiar tug...like the reunion of longtime friends who had somehow lost touch. Part of that journal entry is included below:

Dec 31, 2011

Quiet night...sitting at the Davis'...Sugar and Bubba curled up napping, Jill is still outside. I spent another New Year's Eve at the bookstore, doing the billing. When I finish working out my 5 year notice, I have dreams of making up for lost time, part of which involves planning the biggest funnest NYE party ever, LOL!

I can never let this night pass without remembering...reflecting back to 1984. I had only been involved again in the church scene for a couple of months. There had been a get together for the youth and I had left early with lots on my mind. I got home, pulled out my Bible, and remember reading Psalm 32, which I still lovingly refer to as my salvation chapter. The previous months had been quite a journey and details are usually reserved for the more in depth sharing of my story. Suffice it to say that God was dealing with me that night and things were making sense. I called one of the girls and told her what was happening and she handed the phone over to Ed, who at that time shared youth pastorship responsibilities with his brother Mike. We talked for a bit and the decision was made that they would come and pick me up and we would go to the church and talk. We ended up staying for a couple of hours talking and praying through some issues while gathered around the altar. I had been in and out of church so many times, but I was ready to stop playing games. That was 27 years ago. The commitment that night still stands, and as much as the Hound of Heaven was relentless in His pursuit of me, it is my passion to in turn be relentless in my pursuit of HIM.

The journey has been amazing...from the youth group to Wilderness Cry and my introduction to what true ministry is all about. The group disbanding and scattering and wondering "what next?"...finding a church, church growth and church splits. Joyous times, grievous times...hello and goodbye...a desert hit that left me parched and almost down for the count...it has been a long crawl back, and I find that I have been withdrawn and withholding...afraid give of myself again...after all, what's the point? I have questioned and grieved, and at times even challenged God. I am tired...and ready to be restored. I am ready for my journey to continue. The desire is to be reacquainted with JOY...and passion. To be satisfied, but never content...driven by that nagging sense that there is MORE...driven to pursue a deeper, more meaningful, non-religious, fruitful relationship with Christ. I want my prayer life to be rejuvenated and refreshed, infused with the hope of all I know to be true about my God.

So the threshold of a new year brings me to a place of HOPE. Shaking off the sackcloth and ashes, the season of grief is over. Behold the new thing!

We cannot influence what is happening around us, if there is nothing happening WITHIN us...

Happy Brand New Year!!

My Experiment in Solitude

Wow!! Almost two years to the day since my last entry...either my life has been dull, or so full that I have not taken the time to write ;)

I have returned now to record some thoughts and reflections as I begin a three week adventure into an intentional embracing of solitude. Not a hermit type of solitude as I will not be cutting myself off from the world. (obviously, since I will still be online)

I am catsitting for a friend who is visiting her family in Bejing. My residence for these few weeks will be a one bedroom apartment with no phone and no television. My bed will be a mattress on the floor, and in the living room a pew style cushioned bench with no back and a rectangular card table...from the first night that I came to meet the cats, I knew this was a divine appointment.

Margaret Becker wrote a song years ago called "Find Me" and this song is playing through my mind as I begin this journey:

"I'm gonna give away my stereo
give away my tv
I'm going back to essentials
a chair and a lamp
and the Book that you wrote to me...
you see I'm looking for the You that used to speak so clear
I'm looking for the me that had a heart to hear
and I'm looking for the passion that held me here...on the edge
find me....find me...I'll wait for you...
You see I'm looking for the me that I used to know...
looking for the love that was out of control cuz i...feel a little cold here in the afterglow...
find me...find me...I'll wait for you..."

I am sure you can find it on Youtube if you are interested in hearing it.

So I won't spend a lot of time writing tonight, I really just wanted to create the picture of the beginning...and I am very much looking forward to spending this time seeking...
listening...
learning...
engaging...
with the Creator of the universe...
who is mindful...

of ME...

Remember...

I am currently involved with a group of ladies who are going through Beth Moore's study on Daniel...WOW...I have always been sparked by Beth's passion, and challenged by the price she has paid to be where she is today.
About halfway through lesson 4 lastnight, I knew where I would end up. Once home, I unloaded purse and a few other items and hit the futon room. There was just SO MUCH going on in my heart! The video stirred and awakened a part of me that had been dormant for quite a while, and I am not even sure I can capture it in such a way to do it justice here in typed form.
One point was about loving the poor, and during discussion time I was reminded of the years in Orlando as part of a group called "Wilderness Cry" (Isaiah 40:3). There were about 11 core members which made up our band/ministry team. We had something going almost every day of the week...from nursing homes, to the youth ranch, jail ministry to the coffee house. Crossroads Coffeehouse on South Orange Blossom Trail. When we first started, there was an adult bookstore directly to the left of the building and a topless bar right across the street. We went down on Friday night, sometimes early enough to serve dinner plates, and when eatin' was done, they took up the tables and set up chairs, and we had CHURCH. We had some wild experiences in that little converted motorcycle shop...and memories that can still fan my evangelistic heart!
When I have more time, I will dig out some pics and post them, so you can see the faces.
What brought these memories flooding back was another lady sharing about her experience with a homeless gentlman, and how he had thanked her...for making him feel important...it reminded me that one of the biggest lessons I learned in my years at Crossroads was that we were not dealing with just poor people...we were not dealing with pitiful homeless people, or drunks or drug addicts...they were PEOPLE...created in the image of GOD...no less deserving of our love (if indeed our love is founded in Christ) than the most spiritual and prominent person in any church.
I think another thing that had already primed my heart was listening to Francis Chan the night before our study. Ed (who is currently a missionary to Haiti, and also the main one responsible for getting Wilderness Cry together, and also majorly influential in me even being a Christian) had encouraged me to listen to some of Francis' words on Youtube (check it out if you have time). He is a pastor in Simi Valley CA, and has alot of unconventional things to say about loving your neighbor...
Another part of the lesson was about Nebuchadnezzar's pride, and how that brought him down, even when he had the opportunity to change that course by acknowledging that the "Heavens do rule", practicing righteousness and showing mercy to the poor. Beth, on the video, very passionatley acknowledged where and who she would be without God, and over on the couch, tucked into my little corner, I was having a "deep calling deep" moment! I know where I have been, I know what God has done in my heart, and I know...(perish the thought)...I KNOW where I would be without HIM!!! It was a very humbling moment, but a catalyst for my futon time. I have two big responsibilities coming up, the first of which will be teaching Sunday school starting in a few weeks...and my heart cry was for it not to be one iota about me, and as Beth commented, to learn Nebby's lesson from the page, and not by experience...and I confessed that lastnight to the Lord...whether it is part of my dysfunctional childhood or whatever, I am aware of a need to be accepted, appreciated...to feel special...to be proud of what "I" accomplished...and that has so often interfered with what I may have been called to do. So let this new adventure be different, as I am honest with myself and seek to honor my GOD above all else!!
May you experience the call of JESUS today on a deeper level...
In Him - Bern

Time Keeps on tickin tickin tickin...

A moment to sit and write!

The weather of late has been nice...cooler...not even needing to run the air at night. Nice weather for cruising! I inherited my sister Lori's car from my other sis, Missy. With a gaggle of chillins and a rather burly hubby, it was not a practical vehicle. Whether permanent or temporary, we don't know yet, but while it is in my possession, I will enjoy it!

For those who read and enjoyed the lightening post, I found a very cool video and added it to my links. You can actually SEE all of the leaders, and the one that makes the connection! WOW!

I can't even begin to describe really how it feels to have construction finished and things back in place in my home! I need to publically thank Randall, Kurt and Bill for their sacrifice and expertise in this huge project! And to the Davis'...let's just say "I owe you big time" LOL...I won't publish the pics here, but you can see them on my facebook page. I have my futon room back, and I love being drawn to that special place of communication and intimacy with God. Of course I know that prayer can happen anywhere at all, and there is nothing "magical" about my futon, but there is something special about having that one place that is sanctified and set apart with that particular intent...seeking Him until He is found!

I am preparing and saving to journey up to Rhode Island in a few weeks to attend my oldest sister's wedding. For their 25th anniversary of being together, they decided to make it official and get married. It is a 17 hour drive, and while I have not totally given up on finding a cool airfare deal, it looks like driving will be my best option. Turns out that my bestest bud Marianne from Chicago will be there at the same time, dropping off her son for college. So having my car will be beneficial in getting around where I need to be.

I have requested that mid-September be my final time of being on a set schedule at the bookstore. That means that the weekends will be mine...I have never ever had a job that did not require Saturday commitments and I really really like the idea! Of course, I will still be around to help out with certain things like doing the billing once a month, but at least I will be able to work on MY terms, as MY schedule permits.

For now, I must go finish up some laundry, and hope to come back and blog again in a more timely manner.

May you be blessed today, wrapped in the arms of the One who loves you beyond words.

Buds to Blossoms

Not much to write, the pics say it all! Several years ago, I brought an Easter lily home from church and planted it by the mailbox...I have enjoyed it every year since!!

It's Only Family

Wow!!! Best intentions got thrown by the wayside, but I am going back to pick them up, dust them off, and reinstate them!! I simply cannot believe how fast time flies…
I have a lot to write to catch up, so it looks like I will not elaborate too much on each topic, and break it up into different posts. The first one I believe I need to catch up on was a real blow to my heart. I have had family issues as far back as I can remember, but this one takes the cake. A couple of weeks after Mother’s day, I received an envelope in the mail with no return address. When I opened it up, there inside was the unopened Mother’s day card that I had sent to my German mom up in RI. She had written “return to sender” on the envelope, but apparently the postman missed it the first time and delivered it to her a second time. To insure that it did not happen again, she put it inside another envelope and sent it on its way. A bit of trouble to go through to make a point, and I wish somehow that I knew what her point was. I have no idea what I did to deserve such an action, and my many phone calls went unanswered. The little girl inside who has only ever cried out for their love has been once again crushed. I have experienced the whole spectrum of emotion, and am at a place currently where I just have to lay my heart out before the One whose love is secure in my life. He can handle it all…the sadness, the anger, the bitterness, the injustice, the pain…He only asks that I give it to Him first, and this I am trying my best to accomplish.
I have an older sis who also lives in RI…same town actually, and they have not spoken in four years (so maybe it is not me?). This sister will be getting married in September, and if all goes as planned, I count on dropping by Mom’s place to see if I can at the very least get some kind of explanation for her unfounded action. Some people would encourage me to let it go…just write her off…but actually, I feel like confronting her would be a step of growth for this lifelong stuffer.

Rockin' 'Boo!!!!

As promised...here is a shot of my bamboo shoot!

The Hope of Life

Mercy!! How fun to be in the doghouse for not posting current news on the ol' blogspot!!

Unfortunately I won't be able to get into much detail at present. It is already 10:38, and I have much to do before I lay my head to rest...



For future blogs, you can look forward to some home reconstruction, my thoughts on "The Shack", and promising floral progress, (the lilies are looking strong!)

I love watching things grow, and there is a story concerning my bamboo plant on my desk at work. They sent out a notice several months ago that whatever we had on our desk could not show above the level of the cubicle walls. Uh Oh!! My bamboo was rather healthy and pretty tall...so I researched online, and asked people about pruning bamboo...but to no avail...no answers could I find. So I took my chances, and trimmed it back. I tried to keep the cut part moistened as much as possible, but it looked pretty dried out and nothing happened with it for weeks. I thought for sure I had killed it, and was really feeling pretty sad about it. Lo and behold last week, I was beside myself to see a sprout...and that little sprout is just TAKING OFF!!! Woohoo, you GO 'boo!! I will bring my camera tomorrow and get a shot so you can see what I am talking about. In this drama unfolding is once again the voice of a faithful God...LIFE...LIFE for things we think are dead...LIFE for malnourished and inactive dreams...LIFE in Him when we choose to take ahold of all that He has promised...it brings to mind again one of my favorite scenes in Pilgrims Progress...when Christian first makes his break from the City of Destruction...

"Now he had not run far from his own door but his Wife and Children perceiving it began to cry after him to return; but the man put his fingers in his ears and ran on crying 'Life! Life! Eternal Life!' "

Hardly anything is more invigorating than the hope of LIFE!

Inconceivable!!

A year and a half?? It has actually been a year and a half since I have written...WOW! If I had to reflect over that period of time, so much has happened...some good, some not so good. It has been a time of adjustment and new adventure, a time of soul searching and gut wrenching honesty. I have learned and grown, withdrawn and withheld, cried and cried out. Two main things that contributed to my condition were first off, emotional issues regarding family circumstances. The second being a church split. I knew I hated to hear stories of churches breaking up, but now I despise them. It is an incredibly painful experience when you are one who becomes incredibly attached. It wouldn't take much sometimes to get me missing people. But I knew it was affecting me way too deeply. There was something else happening in me. I prayed many times and asked God to help me see what was really going on. Wow!! There were all kinds of things that would surface as a result of that prayer! Step by step, healing along the way and with each day I recommitted myself to rekindle the flame of all that stirs my heart. Today's sermon was a good one for me, and another several weeks back from our youth minister. I am getting my LIFE back and it feels good!!

March marked the one year anniversary of my employment at Shaw Industries, and I am still working part time at the Christian Bookstore where I had been for just shy of 19 years. Bit by bit I am relinquishing my responsibilities there, and as I get my finances in shape, I hope to soon be working one job. I was talking with a friend the other day, and it struck me that I don't think I have ever had a job that I did not have to work weekends...lol...what in the world will I do?? Maybe plant more...I am so proud of my daffodils, and will have to post the irises and lilies when they arrive as well!


I received a call to be a part of the next Tres Dias weekend with Southeast Tennessee, and I am very excited about that. I had to turn down the previous two invitations due to the job situation. But now I once again have vacation time and am able to be involved.

I have many home projects ahead, one of which I just found out about today. There is a leak somewhere in my guest room (the futon room!) and I suspect it is coming from the seal on the outside around the door to the water heater. Should be a simple fix once the rain stops, but the carpet will have to go, and maybe the floor replaced. Compared to other things I have done, this will be a piece of cake!

For now I will have to close this post as I am meeting some gals from work for a night in Chatt town. Dinner at Tony's? Rembrandts? Mmmmmmmmm...

God's richest blessings on you!

A Lesson in Lightning

Okay, check this out:
In storm clouds, tiny particles in the cloud move around picking up positive or negative energy charges, like when shoes scuff a rug. The positive charged particles stay light, and rise to the top of the cloud. The negative charged particles get heavier, and collect at the bottom of the cloud.
As more particles become charged, they divide into opposing groups in the cloud. When the power of attraction between them gets too great, the particles discharge their energy at each other, completing a path for electricity to travel through the air. We call this flow of electricity lightning.
It's the negative charges in the bottom of the cloud that cause lightning to strike the ground. When the negatively charged particles group together, they begin to seek out positive charges from the ground below. The excess electrons create a channel of charged air called a leader that reaches down to the ground below. The leaders attract other charged ground-based channels called streamers.
When the stepped leader from the cloud meets a returning streamer from the ground, the path is ready. An electrical current called the return stroke, travels back up the path. This return stroke releases tremendous energy, bright light and thunder.

Why am I sharing a science lesson with you? Well...a couple of weeks ago I attended some revival services where a friend of mine was preaching. He shared the above information from a spiritual perspective, and it really got me fired up. The concept is actually very cool, that the leaders are reaching toward earth, the streamers are reaching up, and when the two connect, the power flows! What a picture! It really made me think again of how much God wants to use us as His hands on this earth. To be involved with Him...to be sensitive to what He wants to accomplish. Sure He could speak the word, snap His fingers or whatever, and things would be done...but He chooses to work through US...

Are you reaching up?

Heard that before...

A week or so ago, our pastor began his sermon quoting Jeremiah 29:11, and when I heard the address, I halted the motion of my hands to open my Bible to the reference. Why should I? I knew the verse...heard it quoted hundreds of times not to mention it being on every graduation card, and a variety of gifts that have passed through the store. In the midst of my indifferent attitude, I heard Him...that still small voice...delivering a gentle rebuke as only He can.

" Those are my words", He seemed to say to me. "Don't ever let the familiarity block you from receiving what I wish to give you. Today these words are for you...I know the plans I have for you, Brenda Martin, plans to prosper you and not to harm you...plans to give you a future and a hope."

And so I heard the words of the scripture again, with a redeemed attitude.

A Defining Moment

I have tried this once already today, but apparently the site was under some duress earlier.
Hopefully the previous attempt will not show up later, thus causing me to unintentionally reiterate.

I wanted to shed some light on my selection of title.

The phrase "mortal coil" first captured my attention in the form of lyrics to a song which I heard not long after my conversion. I thought it unusual, and usually it is the unusual that tends to stick. I later learned that it is a phrase that had been penned in Shakespeare's Hamlet:

‘For in that sleep of death what dreams may come / When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, / Must give us pause.’

In language:
Mortal coil is a poetic term that means the troubles of daily life and the strife and suffering of the world.

http://www.allwords.com/word-this%20mortal%20coil.html

http://www.wordcourt.com/archives.php?show=2004-11-03

So then, in light of the above, and in keeping with my spiritual leanings, the mortal coil seemed to be very closely related to the concept of the human condition, the physical body that houses the spirit man. Me...in the flesh...ick...not a very pretty picture! I choose rather to conquer this mortal coil, and be found walking in the Spirit :)

So be it.

Shalom on your home,
B

Intentionally yours

My new word for the hour...intentional.
Has a nice ring to it, wouldn't you agree? But what does it mean?
"done, made, or performed with purpose and intent"
I have adopted this word of late, mainly in reference to relationships. Life is too short, lifestyles too busy, and people too important not to let them know what they mean to us.

Things began stirring in my heart over a year ago in August, when we lost a well respected and loved member of our church. Then a couple of months later, another treasured friend died from cancer. But the biggest blow was the death of my younger sister, Lori, last October. The words I was hearing sent me into another dimension, almost, as my mom explained that she had died overnight in her sleep. The cause was not immediately known, but an autopsy revealed that she had suffered a brain anuerism. My youngest sister and I spent that week in Orlando with my folks. Meeting some of Lori's friends and hearing their stories gave me a glimpse of that part of her life that she never felt at liberty to share with me. I have my theories about the distance that had crept between us, bringing us so far from the best friend status we experienced when we were little. I had moved away when I was 18, and our lives went in different directions. At the end of 1984, I made the decision to stop playing games with God and be a Christian for real. Over the years, I believe Lor shied away from sharing things with me because of how she thought I might respond, instead of giving me a chance to respond to her the only way I could have...as her sister. I loved her from a distance as I found myself moving to Georgia in 1989. I was proud of her for so many reasons. She made it through school and became a reputable and sought after hairstylist. She bought a house, and loved to travel. About 6 months before she died, she had called me to talk, and we had one of the best conversations we had ever had. How thankful I am for that phone call!! And it is amazing over the last year, how many things will turn my thoughts toward her. Sometimes driving down the interstate I will be blindsided by a thought and the tears cloud my vision. I do miss her.

So in the mental processing of all three losses, a determination has risen within to seize the day, "carpe diem"...to be intentional...determined to follow through with every nudge to make a phone call, or send a card...or simply to hug someone's neck and tell them how important they are in my life. Flowers for the living. Love unshown is love unknown. We have the opportunity now...today...to say the things that need saying. Why wait, only to get lost in wishes, could haves and should haves?

Another area in which this word has affected my life is my relationship with the Lord. There have been way too many days that have ended with me crawling into bed, already half asleep, muttering something like "tomorrow...tomorrow I will spend time with You..." In an effort to reprioritize, I cleaned out my computer room, giving away my PC (I have a laptop that I use) and the desk. I turned the futon around to face east through the bay window. First thing in the morning, the sun shines through the blinds, creating quite a spiritually inviting atmosphere. I am very excited about the potential, and since the rearranging only took place a few days ago, will have to keep you posted in the upcoming weeks.

"Early in the morning will I seek You"...an interesting development, considering I am the farthest thing from a morning person!!!

Intentionally yours,
B

Ever Learning

Lastnight was such a refreshing evening. A group of about 35 men and women gathered in a living room to bless a friend as she prepares to leave this week for Israel. Several voiced concerns and prayers for her safety, but she assured us of her confidence that the Lord has opened this door for her, and there was no doubt that she was prepared to follow Him as He leads. She will be teaching English to third-graders for ten months, and is very excited about the opportunity. Part of my heart is jealous in a good way...it stirs in me the desire not only to be able to "go", but to be available. My debt has become nothing less than a chain around my neck, and though the learning has been hard, I am determined to be debt free (emphasis on FREE). That, of course, may mean that I will have to venture out and leave my comfort zone...maybe a job change? Relocating? Those used to be huge issues, but their intimidation is weakening. Catch phrases from years of sermons echo in my head..."only what is done for God will last"..."we need to be making deposits into our eternal accounts"..."here am I, Lord, send me"..."Jesus came to give us life more abundantly". What is that abundant life? For me over the last 22 years, it has become a passion to see Him at work...in everything. The mystery of God is that He is so awesome...so inexplainable...and yet so practical and simple. He holds the universe together, and yet His eye is drawn to a falling sparrow...

One of these days maybe I will catch up with the rest of the world. If you are reading this, WELCOME! I am bursting with pride (the good kind) in being able to invite you into my cozy blogging room. Pull up a bean bag for a few moments and let's chat.
Today is a typical day. I am at work, entering new products into the database, and checking in restocks. I am previewing a new CD by Kim Dexter. It has some catchy tunes...kinda fun.
The weather here in GA has been hot hot hot! But then again, I hear reports of various locations experiencing the same, so there certainly is not a tone of complaint in my statement. But it does make one wonder how in the world people EVER lived without airconditioning!! wow...
I will have to decide what direction to take in this new adventure...what would make interesting reading? hmmmm....
Until next time, peace to you!
the worshippeach