The phrase "brand new" just stirs in me something exciting. I remember as a kid, the thought of brand new shoes, brand new school clothes...then growing up, the idea of a brand new car...brand new job...brand new anything...never-been-down-this-road-before excitement...thoughts laden with possibility and potential!
And here I sit again...on the threshold of a brand new year, anticipating and nurturing an expectation that has been a long time coming. I am ready for "brand new" again. I need a refreshing...a return to some important ingredients that comprise who I am and yet a revamping of others that have paled and become rather stale. After reflecting some lastnight, and journaling (as part of an annual ritual for my personal New Year's Eve celebration), I am feeling a familiar tug...like the reunion of longtime friends who had somehow lost touch. Part of that journal entry is included below:
Dec 31, 2011
Quiet night...sitting at the Davis'...Sugar and Bubba curled up napping, Jill is still outside. I spent another New Year's Eve at the bookstore, doing the billing. When I finish working out my 5 year notice, I have dreams of making up for lost time, part of which involves planning the biggest funnest NYE party ever, LOL!
I can never let this night pass without remembering...reflecting back to 1984. I had only been involved again in the church scene for a couple of months. There had been a get together for the youth and I had left early with lots on my mind. I got home, pulled out my Bible, and remember reading Psalm 32, which I still lovingly refer to as my salvation chapter. The previous months had been quite a journey and details are usually reserved for the more in depth sharing of my story. Suffice it to say that God was dealing with me that night and things were making sense. I called one of the girls and told her what was happening and she handed the phone over to Ed, who at that time shared youth pastorship responsibilities with his brother Mike. We talked for a bit and the decision was made that they would come and pick me up and we would go to the church and talk. We ended up staying for a couple of hours talking and praying through some issues while gathered around the altar. I had been in and out of church so many times, but I was ready to stop playing games. That was 27 years ago. The commitment that night still stands, and as much as the Hound of Heaven was relentless in His pursuit of me, it is my passion to in turn be relentless in my pursuit of HIM.
The journey has been amazing...from the youth group to Wilderness Cry and my introduction to what true ministry is all about. The group disbanding and scattering and wondering "what next?"...finding a church, church growth and church splits. Joyous times, grievous times...hello and goodbye...a desert hit that left me parched and almost down for the count...it has been a long crawl back, and I find that I have been withdrawn and withholding...afraid give of myself again...after all, what's the point? I have questioned and grieved, and at times even challenged God. I am tired...and ready to be restored. I am ready for my journey to continue. The desire is to be reacquainted with JOY...and passion. To be satisfied, but never content...driven by that nagging sense that there is MORE...driven to pursue a deeper, more meaningful, non-religious, fruitful relationship with Christ. I want my prayer life to be rejuvenated and refreshed, infused with the hope of all I know to be true about my God.
So the threshold of a new year brings me to a place of HOPE. Shaking off the sackcloth and ashes, the season of grief is over. Behold the new thing!
We cannot influence what is happening around us, if there is nothing happening WITHIN us...
Happy Brand New Year!!
